As I have mentioned in the past, our emotions are based on our thoughts, which are based on our beliefs, experiences, values, etc. Emotions are difficult to control, so I am not going to suggest that you simply “get over it” or “snap out of it”. Emotions feel very real to us, and therefore are real.
What you CAN control are the thoughts that propagate those feelings.
I know many self-help professionals focus on emotional discipline and control, but what I am trying to do is acknowledge that your emotion(s) are absolutely real, but I also want to challenge the thought that triggers it/them. Our thoughts are in our domain of control.
Most of us make critical thinking errors every day, which cloud our emotions and hurt us. Worse still, it can lead to bad decisions. Some of these decisions can be more costly than others, but if you are in any decision-making business, it is vital that you operate on all the information available.
When you have a bad feeling, write it down. The mere act of identifying that it is only a feeling takes some of its power away. Remember, you are NOT your emotions. Taking a moment to observe it and jot it down takes you away from it and onto an administrative task. You will begin to track your emotions and more clearly see the patterns and triggers that make you feel that way.
There is much more to write on each individual error, and I recognize not everyone has time to read all of it in one sitting, so I will try to break it down briefly here, and if you relate to a few of these, I can expand on it and help you get past it. The first step is knowing that they are destructive, and, in most cases, false and that you are not alone.
Once we can identify them, we can fix them!
Common destructive patterns are:
- Catastrophising: Not everything is the worst case.
- All or Nothing Thinking: Going over in calories one day, does not ruin a diet.
- Fortune Telling: Saying things like “ I know I am going to hate this” are not accurate (at least to your knowledge at the time) and may even be self-fulfilling prophecies.
- Mind Reading: More often than not, we do not know what others are thinking and when we normally trick ourselves into believing they are thinking negatively. Rarely positively.
- Emotional Reasoning: We have all heard that facts are not feelings, but more importantly feelings are not facts and are often not the best measure of reality, yet we make choices based on our feelings all the time.
- Overgeneralising: Using terms like “always”, “never”, and, one of my favorites, “He/she is the worst!”. They probably aren’t the worst, and while you might not mean it literally, your brain can’t easily tell the difference, and your extra dramatizations can lead to skewed thinking.
- Labeling: For example, labeling others as “worthless” or “stupid” can adversely affect YOUR emotions. Worse yet labeling yourself as a failure or “having bad luck” can be more self-fulfilling. If you see someone in the grocery line taking too long, thinking of them as “stupid” only makes you angry.
- Making Demands: Watch for trigger words like “must” “should” and “have to” There are very few things that you MUST have or HAVE TO do, and using and thinking in these terms gives you very little room to move. Fluidity is key to emotional stability.
- Mental Filtering: AKA Confirmation Bias. Biased thinking eliminates information that may be true and ignored through your mental filter. Understanding that you have a bias (we all do) is the first step. Sadly, most biases are negative and harm only you.
- Disqualifying the Positive: Receiving compliments may put you on high alert. This is a type of biased thinking in that when good things happen we “wait for the other shoe to drop”
- Low Frustration Tolerance: Thinking that you could never “put up with that” or “live that way” You would be shocked at how much you can actually tolerate and these rigid thoughts take away from your potential power.
- Personalizing: Thinking everything is about you or directed at you. This might seem only a problem of the ego, but it can actually hurt you.
