I am not entirely sure as to where most of the world’s problems lie, but if I had to guess, my first choice would be the breakdown of interpersonal communication.
Ineffective communication has hampered me throughout most of my life, and while my intentions were often good, the way I communicated them to others fell short. I would be willing to bet that if you consider any argument or disagreement you have had with an employer, spouse, or friend, the breakdown of interpersonal communication was likely the crux of the issue.
Ironically, before I reevaluated this, I would have considered myself a good, if not great, communicator. I have been a successful salesperson, and my ability to articulate my thoughts isn’t too shabby. With all that said, I was, and am still at times, a poor communicator.
For starters, communication is a whopping 93% non-verbal. So whatever delusions I had about my proficiency with the English language it was only able to help me in 7% of all of my communication! Thanks, English Degree.
Secondly, and most vitally, the major barrier to mutual communication is our natural tendency to judge or evaluate (agree or disagree) what we hear. For example, if after a movie, your partner was to say to you “That movie was really good”. Your primary reaction is to evaluate that statement from your point of view and agree or disagree.
When you consider this is how most of our communications go when dealing with lighthearted conversations such as movie reviews, you can only imagine how much more complex this can be when someone says something that has an emotional charge or that you have a personal attachment to. You can see this in political discussions. No one is listening. We are all just waiting to judge the statement made, agree or disagree, and then retort. This is not active listening. It is, however, a gigantic barrier not only to communicate but to progressing as humans.
The answer to this is to view each statement and feeling from the other person’s point of view. Really examine what it feels like to him/her. I get that this sounds pretty simple, but it is in actuality quite difficult and takes a lot of bravery to execute, and here is why…
If you truly understand another person in this way and you can really put yourself in their shoes, even if only for a moment, and feel their passion, their fears, and their defensiveness to the point where you can almost taste their perspective, it puts you at risk of being changed. We fear change and having to go back on an opinion or understanding that we hold close to us. Active listening isn’t just beneficial to communication but it takes real courage. You are allowing some things that you hold dear to be challenged, and in doing so run the risk of having your mind changed. While scary, this is the only way to propel communication to maximum usefulness.
Once I realized and understood this, it made all other forms of communication seem shallow and a waste of time. We are too mentally gifted to continue focusing on rebuttal alone. Active listening is your best chance at changing someone else’s mind. Do not be afraid of the challenge to your beliefs. If those briefs are not strong enough to withstand this level of communication, are they really beliefs worth carrying forward?
Like any other physical or mental improvement, there is a tool or exercise that you can use to start bringing you to this level of congruent communication:
When you are in a discussion with someone else before you rebut or disagree, simply repeat back to them what they have said, as you understand it, in order to force yourself to get a better understanding as well as let them know you were actively listening. The act of acknowledging that you really listened and understood what the other person just said goes a long way in being open and a much better strategy for getting them to open up and trust you. Further, it forces you to really contemplate what was said. Simple openers, such as “So if I am to understand what you are saying, you believe XYZ?” Try that, and let me know how it works.
Start to communicate better at home and watch the effect it has on the world.
As always, I am here to help.
Michael
