You may have noticed in some of my pictures that I have a bump on my chest. This bump, or port, is how they have administered chemotherapy and checked my blood over the past 3 years. While it might look painful, it is actually a luxury. The number of pokes in the arm that they would have to do over the years while receiving various treatments would be far too many, and my veins would eventually be damaged. It is painful to have it put in and removed, but the alternative was 1000 pokes. The port connects a direct line through my chest up to the main artery in my neck.Literally a direct line!
Yesterday I had it taken out.
I was awake for the procedure both times. Both when it went in and yesterday when it came out. While you are numb and the doctors do everything they can to make it painless, there is this tug in your neck. It feels awkward, and you know they are pulling on some pretty important stuff in there, but ultimately there is no pain. Just pressure and light tugging.
Understand that this was a good day for me. I was supposed to be happy that I was finally getting rid of the last visible physical remnants of cancer, but as they struggled to find a razor to shave me and I sat in an uncomfortable position for over 2 hours, I became frustrated.
Until that tug.
Almost as soon as I felt that pull, tears began to fall. I remembered almost immediately my emotional state at the time it was going in. They were putting this port in because the other treatments had failed, and now I was officially in for the “long haul”. Everything from the building I was in, to the waiting room, to that tug was something I had all but forgotten. Before this, I was fine, bored, but fine. That tug triggered me in a way that brought me right back to that same spot and now I am a mess. This is supposed to be a happy day. This is a day I never even thought to dream of. Many people die with that port inside them. But, I didn’t feel healthy and strong anymore. I felt scared, helpless, and alone. The tug was my trigger. An impulse that once identified and understood, could be readjusted. I readjusted it with gratitude. This port was coming out! I am healthy and strong again and I went from scared to grateful in an instant.
Still cried, of course, but now for a joyful reason. I stopped being sad, bored, or frustrated and just basked in the blessing that this cutting open of my chest really was.
This is how triggers can change our emotional states quickly. Even when there is no basis or evidence for that emotion. I went from frustrated, uncomfortable, and bored, to scared and alone, to grateful and proud, all in a few minutes. I was able to do this because I recognized that the tug was merely a trigger and while I was not able to choose that from happening, I was able to choose how I reacted to it. My lizard brain immediately went to a dark place but my cognition and training led me out of it. This is the message I want to share with you.
What is your tug?
All of our emotional states are preceded by a trigger. In cognitive behavioral therapy, we refer to it as an activating event. Acknowledging these events (or triggers) in our lives, allows us to have better control over our emotions, and if we can find that small space between the trigger and the feeling, we can take back some of the control of how we feel. Imagine the power of this!
All of us have those tugs in our lives that “set us off” or make us sad. We also have triggers that bring us joy and laughter. It is the negative ones that we need to get a hold of, and we do have the power to make them work for us. Triggers can be something that is happening right now, something that occurred in the past, something that you anticipate happening in the future, an object, a person, something in your mind like a memory, or, in my case, a physical sensation.
The message here is to let go of any negative emotions you are experiencing and identify your triggers. In cases of anxiety, sadness, anger, fear, etc…there is an activating event. Write it down. This is common in addiction as well. Before you can feel and act differently, you have to figure out what makes you feel and act that way. I challenge you to look for these triggers, share them with me, and let me help you reframe them.
Once you have an idea of what is triggering your negative emotions (and ultimately negative actions), we have something we can work with to reroute that to a positive and empowering feeling.
As always, I am here to help
Michael
